Two years ago this week I ended up in hospital thinking I was having a stroke. It turns out it was a panic attack and wouldn’t be one of my worst!

Two Years After My First Panic Attack

I’ve been suffering with panic attacks and anxiety for a little over 2.5 years now. It’s been an exhausting and crippling experience. I developed agoraphobia and couldn’t leave the house for 5 months as my mind and body were suffering from so much panic.

I wasn’t going to accept that as my life and I have worked so hard to try and get better and live a normal life again. A couple of days ago I went along to a mental health clinic. I’ve had some bad experiences over the last couple of years with professional help so I was a little bit sceptical about going. But with the encouragment of some friends I went along.

Learning I Had PTSD, Not Just Panic Disorder

Going in and meeting the “therapist” (not sure if that's his correct title as he was really more someone just to talk to and point me in the right direction for help) I learned that I have been suffering from PTSD and not just Anxiety and Panic Disorder. I had kind of figured that out for myself but to have it confirmed by someone else was weirdly reassuring. It gave me a moment to breathe and realise there was a reason for all this suffering and whilst not normal, it is normal to react in such a way after experiencing what I have.

When Anxiety Turned Into Agoraphobia

But what was a bigger moment for me, whilst speaking with them, was how far I’ve come on my own. He was shocked that I had agoraphobia and was out of the house within 5 months, my friend who refered me and told them and he hadn't believed them. He told me in his experience other people suffering with Agoraphobia can be housebound for 10-15 years. The worst case was 37 years.

This caused me to breakdown in uncontrollable tears. When doing my own reasearch I'd heard these kind of stories and part of me was worried that would be me but I was determined not to let it be. This journey has felt so lonely and difficult and like I wasn’t making progress. But hearing someone tell me how much I’ve achieved and overcome on my own, made me immensely proud of myself and gave me belief I can conquer this once and for all. It reaffirmed my old belief that I am strong minded and strong willed because going through this it felt like I wasn't anymore, but it proved actually that is what has got me through it.

After that meeting, for the first time in 2 years I felt a sense of relief and calm I’ve not felt before. Dare I say it I even felt a little excited or encouraged. Emotions I’ve not felt for a long time. My family members and some friends have been telling me how far I’ve come but I couldn’t see it when they told me. In my mind it was them trying to make me feel better and encourage me, which I appreciate but having it validated externally made a huge difference.

In my head I’ve been comparing myself to my old self before Anxiety and PTSD, to the things I could do before that I struggle with now and so it felt like I wasn’t really getting any better as I was still so far from who I was. I kind of know I've come a long way and am better in many ways but I still feel a long way off a full recovery.

Hearing it from a stranger who works with people with a similar condition to me and seeing his reactions to what I was telling him I’ve been through and the extent of it and for him almost to look in disbelief that I hadn’t committed suicide felt like a pivotal moment for me.

He was genuinely gobsmacked that I’d overcome agoraphobia in 5 months on my own, with everything else Iv'e been going through and still going through. Telling me how long people usually struggle with agorophobia for and don’t come out the other side gave me a massive confident boost.

When I was describing how I’d overcome it, he told me I’d done textbook exposure therapy and couldn’t believe I’d taught myself how to do it. I did have to give credit to my family for helping me with that and being by my side every step of the way encouraging me to take a step further each day.

I’m crying as I write this now because I can remember how bad I actually was. I couldn’t walk from my bed to the bathroom without shaking in fear for months. Getting to the front gate of the house felt like running 10 marathons back to back. Slowly but surely I kept pushing a little further. Setting myself goals of walking to a certain point on the route before having to turn back, keeping going in spite of the fear and sensations in my body. My step counter on my phone had dropped to 1k steps a day max. I'm now back up to 10k steps a day on average, being able to walk and go places on my own.

Small Steps Lead a Long Way On The Recovery from Anxiety Journey

At first it was with my sister or family members, then I I would try it on my own. Some days with success and other days it would knock me out for days. Eventually I was able to build up to going into places again.

I’d step inside a pub or cafe for 2 mins and have to leave again.

Then I’d step in and watch half a game of football before having to leave, sometimes only making 5 mins. Then I’d be able to make it to half time and go back in for the second half. I'd have to go to places close to home and that I was familiar with, I guess you'd call them "safe spaces".

At first I couldn’t talk to the people around me or really concentrate on the game. I was too scared of what my body was doing but the more I sat with it and stayed the more my body started to learn safety again. I started to have little conversations with the people around me again, joining in with some of the banter. I was still screaming inside but not as loudly.

It was small progress but it was progress. There are times when I still struggle, I'm still having daily panic attacks. Like this week is the first time I’ve been to the barbers in years.

Anxiety at the Barbers

I was fine walking in and was happily chatting to the barber as he was cutting my hair, which in itself is massive progress, there were times I couldnt sit still opposite someone without having to get up and leave and I couldnt talk to them. It was only towards the end of the haircut I started to get into a panic, out of nowhere. I notice my stomach starting to tighten and my breathing shorten, my body starting to twitch, which kind of makes my brain go foggy. Instead of having a conversation with the barber I was now grunting replies or feebily nodding my head and smiling trying not to be rude but just wanting to get out, trying to act like nothing was wrong. I hurridly paid and got out of there breathing a sigh of relief.

One of the conversations I was having with the Barber before I started grunting at him was about the Newcastle manager Eddie Howe. I said I thought he’d be walk before the start of the season, he thought he’d be sacked 4 or 5 games into the season.

As I was walking home the news broke that Eddie Howe had quit, I thought I was Nostradmaus for a second lol.

A few months ago, after having a panic attack all I'd want to do is get home to safety. I would have been frog marching home thinking about nothing else but how bad I felt.

But I've been training myself to try and act differently, I can't stop the panic attacks and Anxiety from happening but I can change how I react afterwards and to help my body relearn safety and calm down quicker. So on hearing the news I decided to walk back to the Barbers and tell him that I should have bet him a free hair cut as Eddie had left the job! Proving to myself and my body there was nothing to be scared of and that I can go back to being normal again after the wave of panic has passed.

It's a small thing in the grand scheme of thing but for me it's a sign post I'm getting better.

Panic Attack at the Dentist

The following morning I got a call from the dentist to move my appointment from Monday to an hours time. I'd cracked my tooth the day before eating something. I was expecting to go into the dentist and for them to tell I'd need to have a filing or to come back in for them to do whatever operation was needed. I was still feeling good from the night before having met the therpaist and being to the barbers so I walked into the dentist confident and feeling good. And I was until she opened my mouth and let out an "oh!" followed by "this isnt good, we need to extract it now". There was no bedside manner, it was we're doing this now. I wasn't panicking at that point and was feeling ok but thought I needed a second opnion before they just ripped it out. I asked if I could speak to someone as didn't want to just have an operation without anyone knowing, looking more than slightly offended the dentist agreed I could as long as I was quick because she was busy and this was an emergency!!! I rang my Mum who used to be a dental nurse in the Royal Navy to check whether I should get a second opinion.

I decided to get the tooth taken out, and was fine until they put in the local anistetic and it felt like a lightening bolt went through my mouth and heart, I must of moved quite violently on the chair at the shock, as the dentist already annoyed with me for asking to make a phone call, told me off and not to move! By then my mouth and tongue had gone completeley numb and I was caught between the panic starting to take over my body and trying to remain calm. I braced myself in the chair as she was pulling my tooth out, trying to remember all the ways I get myself through a panic attack, I was doing my best to try and remain as calm as I could. Once the operation was finished is when the panic really started to take hold.

But this time the panic was different, I was pancking but I was armed with the knowledge I've been here before and I can get through this. Also I was able to tell myself this is probably a normal time to panic as lots of people are fearful of the dentist. It's not something I've normally been afraid of but considering the circumsatances of the last 2 years I should try and give myself some grace. It didn't stop the panic, nothing really can, it just has to go through the body. I was able to talk myself through the feelings of not being able to breathe and swallow as they were panic sensations I've felt before, but then because my mouth and tongue was numb my mind was trying to check the rest of my body wasn't numb. So it was like a fire fight in my head trying to put out all the sensations.

My brother who had taken me, told me afterwards he was really impressed with me, he's obviously seen me at my worst and said he was expecting we'd have to hang around for an hour or more whilst I went through the panic attack, but I said to him within 5 mins, I'd managed to calm myself down enough and let's go. Being in the car can still be a struggle for me sometimes, so to go through an unexpected orpertaion like that and go through the panic and get straight in the car to go home was a massive move forward.

I'm not going to lie and say I felt great for the rest of the day when I got home, I was still going through the wave of panic for a few hours after but it was softer and less intense. The thing with PTSD and panic disorder is even the normalist of sensations in your body can trigger the alarm and set off a sense of fear. My whole body can feel scared for no reason, like the world is ending. I can't quite explain it, so the fact it wasn't too intense I'm grateful for and the bonus was after the anistetic wore off I didn't really feel any pain!

Exposure Therapy 101 - The Only Way Out is Through

I'll finish by saying what I always say is the only way out is through but with proof this time....

The therapist confirmed this to me when he said he couldn't believe I'd got through agoraphobia so quickly. I think the reason I got through it, is because I wouldnt give up, I acted in spite of the fear, I pushed through when all I wanted to do was run away. I was in pain but I wasn't going to let whatever was happening to me take my life away from me, I was determined to keep living.

Sometimes I pushed too hard, like going to watch the Arsenal Title parade and ending up in a bakers shop, which knockd me out for 3 weeks after. The approach can be a bit hit and miss and you have to learn your limits of when to push through and when to pull back. But the key is to keep pushing through in spite of the fear and panic. You are retraining your mind and body it is safe.

If you are going through Panic attacks, PTSD, Anxiety or Agorophobia, I know how difficult it can be just to function day to day. The struggle is real, but keep taking that next step, keep believing for better days, keep retraining your mind and body it's safe. It's not an instant fix and takes time but slowly and surely we can make a full recovery. Belieiving it is the first step!