If you had asked me a few years ago what my hobbies were, the answer would have been simple, sport, playing football, snowboarding, wakeboarding, anything active.

Football was a huge part of my life. I loved playing 6 aside, the competitiveness of actually playing and the social side in the bar after. It wasn't just exercise, it was part of who I was.

When Football Became the First Sign of Anxiety

Looking back, the first signs that something wasn't right appeared on the football pitch. During games, I would suddenly freeze with brain fog, a sense of dread would wash over me and I would want to get off the pitch. I would feel strange sensations rushing through me, and I had absolutely no idea what was happening. I now know those moments were anxiety attacks, but at the time I was completely confused.

In the bar after the game socialising with my team mates, I checked out of the conversation, I felt completely numb and lost. The panic took over and I had to leave the bar, I went and sat in the car wondering if I needed to call a doctor or not.

As time went on, things got worse.

How Anxiety Stole the Things I loved

I stopped playing football after ending up in hospital with a severe panic attack. I stopped working out and doing any form of exercise. My body couldn't handle it and I stopped socialising. I had become too scared. Eventually, I stopped doing many of the things I loved. Anxiety didn't just affect my hobbies, it affected my independence, my confidence, and my entire way of life.

For over a year, I didn't exercise or play sport at all and didn't socialise. I was still trying to figure out was wrong with me and it felt like everything I had once loved doing made me feel worse and bought on panic, so I retreated from everything because I didn't want to have the Panic attacks. The panic didn't stop though, it was still there whatever I did.

In my pursuit of recovery I started taking up new hobbies at home, I started drawing and doing lego, I was also learning french on duolingo, things to occupy my mind creatively and take it off the sensations in my body. A few months ago duolingo added chess to their lessons. I'd never really played before as I had always considered it "Geeky" but being older and wiser and looking for things to do I started to play on my phone.

After another round of new sensations in my body had started I was in the Doctors surgery getting my bloods taken. Before Anxiety I dont think id been to the Dr's more than twice in the last 30 years now I was there every couple of months!

This time on the way into the Doctors surgery a poster caught my eye it was advertising the local chess club. It was within walking distance from home, so I started mulling over whether to go or not.

I haven't been driving since I got anxiety and feel like I've lost a lot of my independence but this was within walking distance from home and I was more comfortable walking now. So this would add another layer to my recovery, it would push me to do something after a walk rather than retreating to the safety of home.

I also had preconcieved ideas of chess being Geeky so figured it would be safer to enter a room full of Geeks than a louder boisturous environment. It was easing myself back into a social environment without pressure. There was no way I was going to tell anyone I was a badged up member of the geek squad so if it didn't work out and I had to leave noone would ever know haha.

At that point in my recovery, walking somewhere felt more achievable than travelling further afield, so I decided to give it a go.

How Chess Helped Me Rebuild My Confidence and Regain Some Independence During Anxiety

The first time I went, I was nervous, I could feel the anxiety building on the walk down. I was worrying about walking into a room full of strangers and having a panic attack. How was I going to be able to speak to someone I didn't know, who didn't know I was prone to having panic attacks. I felt completely put of my comfort zone in a illion different ways.

I got to the door and braced myself, taking a deep breath before walking in. As I opened the door it was a room full of kids playing chess, I'd turned up half an hour early to the kids session. I let out a sigh of relief as I closed the door and sat outside for half an hour calming myself down.

When it was time to go in, I was paired up with someone to play against. We sat in silence as we played which is the worst when Anxiety hits, it's in the quiet that the sensations start screaming at you. My body was screaming at me to leave, but I couldn't do that I was playing a game, I had to get to the end of the game at least. By the end of the game I felt exhausted but I'd won (against a 12 year old haha).

One of the chess masters then sat with me to give me lessons, I was really twitchy in my seat but at least he was talking to me and I could distract myself a bit by asking questions.

After the first lesson my body had, had enough and I made my excuses to leave. I felt a sense of pride that I'd done it and pushed myself to get out there again.

The second time I went, I was nervous again.Sat in my seat I could feel the Anxiety building and my body twitching wanting to get out. Wating for my partner to play their move was excruciating as I had to sit with the sensations and fight myself from having a panic attack. But I found the longer I sat with the sensations and talked myself through it and tried to focus on the chess my body would start to calm and I'd get a sense of relief until the next wave would hit.

To be honest, a couple of months in I still get nervous now. It's not as bad, my body doesn't twitch as much and I'm not spending all day worrying about going.

Every week I sit down and part of me wants to leave. Anxiety still whispers in my ear. My body still wants to escape. But I stay. And every time I stay, I prove to myself that I can. However uncomfortable it is.

How Football Chat Helped Me Forget About Anxiety for a While

A couple of weeks ago, when Arsenal were chasing the league title, I decided to wear my Arsenal shirt down to the chess club. Living in Newcastle, I thought there was a fair chance I might get a bit of stick from some Newcastle fans. In truth, that was part of the reason I wore it. It was a small challenge for myself. A way of stepping back into social situations and seeing if I could handle a bit of friendly banter. I've missed that but also hadn't been ready to deal with it.

When your body is on high alert all the time, the teasing and things that goes along in social situations can be hard to take. I've always given as good as I get but with Anxiety there was a added level of stress I coudn't handle and so I'd retreated from it all, removing myself from whatsapp groups and things just to protect myself and remove that stress.

This was a way for me to test the waters again. It felt safer walking into chess club with strangers than walking into a packed pub full of Geordies or entering the whatsapp chat again with mates who wpuld be taking the piss.

What I wasn't expecting in Newcastle was to be matched against an Arsenal season ticket holder with tickets to the champiosn league final!

What are the chances?

Suddenly we weren't sat in silence. We were talking about Arsenal and the hopes of doing the double. I felt my old self coming back, the Anxiety was still there bt was quieter in the background.

The timing couldn't have been better.

I had been feeling anxious. My mind had started drifting towards the exit plan it always tries to create. But all it took was a simple question.

"Are you an Arsenal fan?"

And just like that, my attention shifted away from myself.

For those few moments, I wasn't analysing symptoms. I wasn't wondering how quickly I could leave. I wasn't monitoring every sensation in my body. I was simply talking about something I loved.

It felt like my two worlds had collided for a few moments I felt like myself again.

The old me and the recovering me.

The funny thing is that anxiety has taken so much from me, yet at the same time it has introduced me to things I never would have discovered otherwise.

That's not me saying I'm grateful for anxiety. But I am grateful for some of the new experiences and trying things I would never have done before.

If I could have avoided the panic attacks, the tears, the fear, the setbacks, and everything else that came with it, I absolutely would have.

Why Chess Works in Anxiety Recovery, When Exercise Doesn't

Recently I tried to play football again. I organised a friendly game with some mates, I wanted to see how I'd get on. But as the game went on, I could feel the anxiety building. Eventually, I had a full breakdown. Panic attacks, tears, the works. I felt dejected after and that I was never going to get over it. But when I calmed down I realised it was another step on the road to recovery. I got a sense of how far I could push myself.

It was a difficult reminder that recovery isn't always a straight line.

I've found that exercise can leave my body feeling wound up for hours afterwards. While many people find exercise relieves anxiety, for me it can sometimes trigger it. That's been one of the hardest parts of recovery to accept because fitness has always been such a huge part of my life.

Chess, on the other hand, is different.

It's quieter.

Calmer.

It gives me a challenge without triggering the same physical response.

Do I miss playing football and exercising properly?

Every single day.

Do I wish I could jump straight back into the life I had before anxiety?

Absolutely.

But I've learned I can't yearn for yesterday, I have to find ways to live today within my means but also pushing myself forward.

For now, chess is part of that. I am a badged up memeber of the Geek Squad and tonight I have my first ever competitve chess match! If that doesn't sum up how much life has changed in the last 2 years nothing will.

Let's go!

Remember the only way out is through.