For so long I thought I was weak and broken, that I'd never reclaim my life. I couldn't understand how I could go from being someone who was so confident and in control to being a physical nervous wreck.

Pre anxiety I was a pretty confident and outgoing person. I wasn't afraid to try new things and put myself out there, I'd snowboarded and wakeboarded, sky dived and bungee jumped, scuba dived and spoken on stage in front of hundreds of people, I'd been on TV and worked on the radio, negotiated million pound deals and run businesses and yet here I was scared to walk to the end of my garden, unable to talk on the phone, shaking and crying all the time, thinking I was dying every moment, unable to eat or drink or speak with friends, I was a quivering mess.

From working out everyday and runing 3-4 times a week to not being able to do 5 mins of yoga or walk 50m. I felt like a physical mess, yet there was nothing physically wrong with me, all my blood tests were fine, my heart rate good, my mobility was fine, I was physically strong but nothing felt like it was working. My nasal passage would feel restricted, my stomach in knots, a constant feeling I was going to be sick, my breathing would feel like it was stopping in my throat, my lungs tight, my chest beating a million miles an hour, my legs felt like they would buckle underneath me, my ears would ring, my eyes would struggle to read what was on the page, my 20:20 vision gone. Any form of movement would make me feel dizzy and shake.

And then the questions and thoughts in your head

How did this happen? Why did it happen? What was wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? How do I fix it? If I dont know what is wrong with me and noone can tell me, is there even a fix? Why couldn't I workout anymore? Why can't I eat properly, Why can't I talk? Why can't I relax? Why are the dr's saying nothing is wrong with me physically when my body isn't working properly? Why am I not able to think positively to get through this and heal myself? Why did it feel like my mind was failing me? Was it all a lie? Am I just mentally weak? Someone, anyone please help me!

The same question's floating around in my mind all the time as my body felt like it was working against me, struggling to breathe, pain in my neck and shoulders, blurry vision, mind fog that would make it hard to even recall my date of birth. I felt like I was living in hell inside my own body, a mental and physical prison.

A total mindfuck!

How could I be "physically well" but feel so incapasitated? Doctor's weren't much help, because all my vitals were fine, they sort of shrugged their shoulders at me and said take these meds and looked at me like I was some kind of looney, making up how I felt. It was infuriating, I'd leave the doctors surgery feeling worse than I went in. I could barely walk to the dr's surgery without shaking and feeling like I was having a heart attack and they were telling me I was fine and to take some meds to mask wahtever the rel issue was.

Because my neck and shoulder's always felt so tight I thought I'd try the physio to work out if something was restricted making my breathing feel so short and tight but again all the tests were fine, my mobility was fine. At least the physio had some sympathy for me as he'd had a family member with anxiety and so kept booking me appointments to go see him every few weeks just to get out the house and have someone to talk to and keep me in the "system". But in terms of helping me recover it wasn't much help as there was nothing physically wrong with me.

I had to figure this out, I had to find a way to get better. There had to be a solution! I felt so weak and lost though and like noone could understand what I was going through which made it worse as I felt like a prisoner in my own mind and body and noone could get in to help me. Family and friends offered support but they couldn't change anything in my body that was happening, they could look for things to help and offer word's of encouragement but they couldn't fix what was going on.

After a while something switched though, after feeling like I was facing death in the face everyday, I decided I wasn't weak, I didn't have a weak mind. I was actually stronger mentally than I'd ever been. I realised how much courage it takes to get up everyday knowing that you are going to feel like shit, you are going to struggle to do simple tasks, that your body is going to feel like its breaking down all the time, but you do it anyway and you keep going day after day with no signs of improvement with no one but yourself to pull you through. Noone can fix you, you have to fix yourself. You have to force yourself to do things that you know in the moment will make you feel terrible, that will scare you beyond belief for no reason and you are doing that from a dark and lonely place. That takes a lot of guts, a lot of determination and a massive amounts of mental strength.

And that brings me to the point of my post, Anixety and Panic disorder have nothing do to with mental strength. I don't really know why it's classified as a mental health disorder, because in reality it's a nervous system that's disregulated. A nervous system that has been activated by stress and hasn't turned off so everything is percieved as danger. Your mind and body almost working against each other, both trying to protect you.

So here is the thing, it doesn't matter what situation you are in, if your nervous system is sensing danger signals in your body it's going to do everything it can to protect you. Once I figured that out I realised it didn't matter where I was or what I was doing the anxiety and panic was going to be there. So instead of retreating and avoiding things that were causing panic I started to throw myself into them. I was going to have anxiety and panic anyway. At first it was walking with someone, then it was walking a little further, then it was going into a shop again on my own. All the time anxiety and panic were there, the sense of doom and dread, the brain fog, the wobbly legs, the shaky hands. But I was doing it anyway and I was still alive to tell the tale. That then progressed to working out again at first I would collapse in tears, struggle to do 10 mins, think there was no point, but I'd get up and go again the next day and the next until i was doing a 45 min to an hour and a half workout again followed by a 20 min walk. Somedays its still a struggle and takes me a while to recover after but I'm doing it.

It was the same with making myself do things again. I would go to the pub to watch the football, but when there I couldn't speak to anyone, couldn't really watch the game and often have to leave at half time becuas ei would feel so uncomfortable in my own body. But slowly I was able to start watching the whole game, I'd start to mumble things about the game to my dad or bro, and politely nod and smile to anyone else who tried to talk to me.

My nevous system was starting to learn its safe again. It's still a work in progress but I can now talk to people around me in the pub again and watch the whole game without constantly scanning my body to see if everything is working and that I'm still alive. I've been able to push it a step further and go to live football games again, but again this is a process, my nervous system is still sensing danger in these situations so it takes a while for me to regulate and be calm enough to join in with the conversation and immerse myself in what's going on. I'm still paying to much attention to the danger signals in my body and the discomfort. But I'm there and I'm doing it, in spite of the fear and uncomfort I'm feeling in my body. I'm reclaiming my life step by step.

So for anyone who is suffering anxiety and has those sensations going on in their body and wants nothing more than to run home and hide, I understand, I know how it feels. But here is my advice, face the fear head on, go out and do it anyway, you are going to have the anxiety at home or wherever you are so you might as well be out living and teaching your nervous system to be safe again. If you can ony manage 5 mins, go for 5 mins, then the next time go for 10 mins. The key is to keep showing up, keep pushing through the discomfort and reassuring yourself you are fine. The more you do it, the more your nervous system start's to learn it is safe again and the symptoms become less intense and quieter to deflect. But know this too, don't exect to be fixed overnight, this is a long process, the nervous system needs time to heal. This has been a two year journey for me to get to this point and there is still a way to go but keep taking it one step at a time outside your comfort zone

Something else I learned the hard way is that when you do push yourself outside your current comfort zone and you do bring on those feelings of anxiety and panic is that you need to allow yourself time to recover after. I found erly on that I would push and push and push and then I would have a massive collapse and feel like i wasn't getting anywhere, but I wasn't allowing my nervous system time to reglate itself. So my advice would be to push yourself push yourself some more (you can always do a little more even if it's one minute) but then pull back and allow yourself time to decompress, but not too long as you want to keep the momentumn up and not have to build the courage to start again. I found if I didn't push again soon, it was hardeer to pyche myself up again and it felt like starting from scratch.

At some point I will blog about what I really did to break the camels back and show myself the way forward but I'll save that for another day.

Until then remember the only way out is through, so face the fear and do it anyway!

ps. I should probably add a dislaimer to this. I'm not a doctor and if you are suffering from any physical syymptoms you should go and see one to rule out any other illnesses. This is not medical advice and just my personal experience from suffering from anxiety and panic disorder and how I have started my recovery journey.