I’ve heard people say football is just a sportand doesn’t mean that much (including my own Mother!) but having lived through the last few weeks and especially the last couple of days as an Arsenal Fan I can tell you it’s much more than that and I think she'll finally agree!

I’ve lived a pretty fulfilling life and lived through some amazing experiences and some devastating times and I can say the emotional roller coaster of the last 2 days have been the most intense and exhilarating and emotional of my life.

Two years ago I had a panic attack which led me to becoming housebound for 5 months, I couldn’t leave my house without shaking, I couldn’t sit in the lounge and watch football on TV because my body was stuck in fright or flight. I thought my life was over. I had no idea what was wrong with me. Since then I’ve been having panic and anxiety attacks pretty much every day, It’s changed my life in ways I could never imagine.

I lost my independence, I’ve struggled socially, physically and mentally. It felt like joy had been sapped from my life. Deep down inside I refused to give up though, I wasn’t going to let it stop me from living life. No matter how bad I felt or what situation I was in, I was going to keep pushing myself.

One of the constant’s in my life has been Arsenal, I’ve supported them since before I was born, with my Grandad being born outside Highbury, I was destined to be an Arsenal fan.

This season even without Anxiety, has been an emotional rollercoaster with the highs and lows a football season can bring.

But for me personally it has shaped my life in so many ways, at the start of the season I couldn’t go across the road and watch a full game in the pub, I’d rarely make it to half time without needing to come back home and watch the second half at home. I couldn’t talk to anyone in the pub or hold a conversation because my body was physically shaking, I’d have brain fog and dizziness and all sorts of other symptoms. I struggled with the banter from friends that comes with football because I was so fried mentally.

As the season went on, I was able to stay for a whole game here and there and slowly was able to start talking about the game with people around me again. Sometimes I’d fall silent and go into my shell and want to escape but I stayed, I endured and even managed to watch some of the football!!!

Coming towards the end of the season there was a sense Arsenal were going to win the league and there was hope we might get to the Champions league Final and with that would come a title parade.

The last time Arsenal won the league was in 2004, and the last time I went to a title winning parade was 2002 when I was 20 years old. At that parade there was maybe 200,000 people (Arsenal were in the habit of winning back then and was more normal so not as many people turned up)

Planes, Trains And Anxiety

Fast forward 22 years and we’ve been the laughing stock and mocked by rival fans for 2 decades. But the club had grown massively, the day we won the league there were parades across the world from Nairobi, Vietnam and back to the streets of North London with millions turning out to each one. Watching it all unfold on Social media, I knew I had to be at the main Parade around North London when it happened.

But…. Anxiety! Fuck! I still have panic attacks getting in the car going 5 mins down the road. How on earth was I going to get on a train and go to a Parade with potentially over a million people there!

The week leading up to the parade I was in a total mess, my Anxiety was through the roof, I had stuff going on in my personal life that was affecting me too and the dread of going to London via train and into that atmosphere was causing a lot of Anxiety attacks. But in the last 2 years I’ve come a long way and I know I can get through a Panic attack and come out the other side, I know my body eventually calms down and I couldn’t miss this! It was a potentially a once in a lifetime occasion!

Arsenal made it to the Champions league final so we decided to make a weekend of it and head to the Emirates and Holloway Road to watch the final and go to the parade the next day.

With Anxiety, often waking in the morning can be a chore, I often wake up dizzy and have to steady myself before moving. It can take me a couple of hours to regulate myself enough to function, I try to go for a walk first thing to calm my nervous system, but with a 6am train to catch (that got cancelled and having to get an even earlier one) there was no time for me to go through the morning routine I’ve created for myself. To my surprise the car journey to the station was good, I didn’t have the normal churning stomach and dizziness that comes.

At the station in Newcastle we spotted a few other Arsenal fans making the same journey. You don’t normally talk to people at the station, but with everyone in high spirits and that common bond of being an Arsenal fan you started chatting to people.

In my head, as I was chatting I could feel the Anxiety building in my body and that familiar feeling start to creep up. I made an excuse to go the bathroom to get away and just calm myself. In the bathroom I had a little chat with myself, you’ve done the first part, now let’s do the second bit, step by step we’ll get there.

On the train I could feel the Anxiety building, my two brothers sat further down the train and my plan was just to hide in my seat and go through the panic that was building, but I needed the bathroom so walked down the train and there was a couple of Arsenal fans who had started playing cards with my brothers, chatting about the football and looking forward to the game ahead, they invited me to play and so I joined in and found myself in the conversation and distracted from the Anxiety.

In York another man got on the train and sat in the seat beside me. Towards the end of the journey, I started up a conversation with him about his Duolingo lesson he was doing. I knew this would create Anxiety but I was in good spirits. He was telling me stories about his escapades in Italy that I was tuning in and out of as I tried to keep myself calm. I could feel the hum of Anxiety in the background. But with playing cards and talking to him the 3hour train journey flew by.

As I got off the train it dawned on me that Arsenal might have just got me through the train journey. Without that camaraderie that comes with football fandom I probably wouldn’t have played cards with those strangers which helped me get through the journey. I would have stayed sat in my seat, in my own head building up the panic.

Heading out into Kings Cross was a sea of red, there was a jovial atmosphere building as we entered the tube and the football chants started. The adrenaline in my body started going into overdrive and I could feel the emotion start to build up. I tried to fight back the tears, getting onto the tube, I was struggling again to get into conversation with people, I had a few moments of just trying to survive it.

As we came out onto Holloway Road and the sun was shining, I could walk a bit, walking helps me calm down my nervous system. I could breathe again.

We knew the pubs would be packed, we had seen online the week before people queuing from 8am to get into them. We had a friend who we’ve been going to the Arsenal with for years who lived locally and he was in the queue saving us a spot.

We queued in the sun for 2 hours before the pub opened, if you have lived with Anxiety you know how those quietish moments can let Anxiety out the bag and I could feel myself nervously twitching trying to stay calm. I was blocking out thoughts of how am I going to last 7hrs in a ram packed pub when I couldn’t last 90 mins a few months ago in a quiet village pub. But I’m here now, let’s do this!

As we got into the pub it was all standing with just one table in the corner that already had a few people sat at it. I was with my Dad who is well into his 70s and I knew he couldn’t stand for that long so I put my anxiety aside and approached the table and asked if they minded if Dad sat with them for the day. They let him and so that became our corner of the pub for the day. Tucked away in the corner by the fire escape. This meant we were able to block off the corner and give ourselves some space. Things I didn’t really think about pre anxiety but now I calculate every possible escape route, just in case I have a panic attack.

I stood at the back in the fire exit, still part of the environment but just enough out of it, if I needed to be. This was going to be a long day, it was 7hrs before kick off, in a pub packed to the rafters, the heat was off the charts, I lived in the Caribbean for 20 years and I don’t think I was ever as hot.

Packed in that tightly to a pub, boiling hot, my body was going to react with or without Anxiety and I was riding wave after wave of Anxiety. I used the football crowd to help me though, every time the chanting would start I’d join in, singing my lungs out was a release of that anxious energy each time, sometimes it would come with floods of tears and other times I would need to retreat back into the corner. As the game started to approach, I was starting to flag big time, I was having a proper mental battle with myself about staying or escaping. The fire exit we were stood by was blocked off with chairs and there was no way out, the crowd of people made it almost impossible to move through to get out and so my body really was in flight or fight mode cos I could sense the potential danger.

My brother and I look very similar, so I made friends with the bouncer saying we were twins (I was friendly enough with him, for him to share with me he was a Chelsea fan haha). It was strictly one in one out rule at the pub as so many people were trying to get in. Butas I was friendly with him he allowed us to go in and out of the pub which bought me some relief being able to stand outside for periods and get some air.

Outside I was talking to Arsenal fans from all over the world, I met guys who had flown in from Australia for the parade, from India and Nigeria. Chatting to them all helped me massively get through the day and bought me a massive sense of achievement. When Anxiety started for me I couldn’t say boo to a goose, I couldn’t even talk to my family at the dinner table, so being abe to talk again to complete strangers was massive.

As the game kicked off the atmosphere in the pub was electric but I was at breaking point, after 7hrs of battling the Anxiety my body was struggling big time and I was struggling to watch the game but then Arsenal scored early and the pub went mental.

I have been to semi finals and cup finals at Wembley and been to games were great goals have been scored and I can say when that goal went in, my body has never felt anything like it, it was like a Panic Attack on steroids, the excitement on top of the Anxiety was so intense. I could feel my heart pumping out of my chest, it felt like I’d left my body. The Euphoria was like nothing Ive ever experienced, the hugging and shouting and pandemonium, I wouldn’t change for the world, I couldn’t control the tears of joy that came pouring out, but the come down in the minutes after in my body was horrible. I started going into full panic mode, my body was shaking, I was overheating and I couldn’t watch the game, I pushed my way through the crowd to the bathroom to try and calm myself down. I stood out in the corridor trying to watch the game over people’s heads. There were a few other people stood around me who were sharing how nervous they were about the game which made me laugh to myself, I wish I was nervous about the game!!!!

Half time and they let everyone with a band outside the pub. That bought some relief and I was able to go back to my corner for the second half, but I couldn’t last, I had to get out, I pushed my way through the crowd with my sister and stood outside for 10 mins. My bouncer mate let me stand in the doorway to the pub peering round the corner trying to get glimpses of the game, I was caught between wanting to watch the game and feel safe, this was the best spot. I would have beaten myself up before for feeling rubbish and missing the game, but I know now that doesn’t work and I have to allow my body to do what its going to do, don’t fight it, just allow it. This was me allowing it whilst still enjoying the occasion.

And then extra time!! Shit we have another half an hour of this, Can my body take it. I would have been happy for us to lose at this point just to escape the Anxiety and endure another half hour. I decided to stay in the doorway for the first half of extra time and then go back to join my friends and family for the second half. I’ve made it through 9hrs I can last another 15 – 20mins.

The game went to penalties and Arsenal lost with the last kick of the game. Normally I would have been devastated that Arsenal has lost but when the penalty kick went over, the loud, excited pub fell silent, so silent you could hear a pin drop, my body instanly calmed. It was eerie.

I was disappointed Arsenal had lost but I felt a sense of Pride and happiness and not just with the Team. I’d just pushed myself beyond all my boundaries of the last 2 years. Id gone from not being able to watch a game of football in the comfort of my sofa or walking 50 metres down the road to travellign to Londo via train being in a pub with hundreds of fans. Wow if I can do that, I can do anything!!

And so I did!

From Housebound to a Crowd of 1.5 Million people

The next day was the title Parade and I can honestly say it’s the best day of my Arsenal supporting life, there have been estimates ranging from 800,000 to 1million people, being in the crowd I wouldn’t be surprised if it is announced officially as more like 1.5 million. I’ve never seen so many people from all walks of life, all celebrating and cheering , the same thing. The energy was amazing.

On the tube on the way to where we were going to stand, thy said the stations were shut, and so our plans changed, still feeling anxious and wired from the day before that sense of Panic started again. Little changes living with Anxiety can trigger it, being in a packed hot tube can intensify it.

As we came out of Arsenal tube station, I was overtaken by emotion and walked off by myself to cry in a “quiet” spot. After I let it out and walked back towards my family, they were chatting to a charity person for mental health “it’s good to talk”. They were telling him about my struggles over the last couple of years and how far I’d come and the importance of talking about it.

It’s Good To Talk

If I hadn’t spoken out about it, I wouldn’t be here today. Living with Anxiety and Panic disorder can be hell on your own. Having supportive family, friends and even strangers around you helps massively.

The day before in the pub meeting up with my old friend, I was really anxious, because I tend to go quiet and into my shell when I’m having an Anxiety attack and there is still that small sense of embarrassment or shame I feel. I hadn’t seen my friend in a while and last time I saw him I was my normal self pre Anxiety and part of me didnt’t want to have an anxiety attack in front of him. So I made the decision early on to tell him that if I go quiet or just walk off - this is why…..

Talking to him was a massive relief as it lifted a weight off my shoulders, I didn’t have to pretend to be strong. He told me he’d read some of my blogs and posts online and had, had his own issues with anxiety. Talking about it removes a lot of the self-consciousness that goes with it that can make anxiety worse. I’ve found by telling people they are much more friendly and caring than you can ever imagine, they often share their own struggles with it with me too which shows us we are all the same in some way. Maybe to different degrees but makes you feel a little less alone.

Being open about it has helped me on more than one occasion and that’s how I ended up in a bakers Freezer!

We got to our chosen spot on the parade route about 1030am, the crowd was already big but was getting bigger and bigger. We were stood on the corner of Blackstock and Gillespie road. As time went on, more and more people were coming in and all exit routes were blocked off, there was no way to get through the crowd of people building up. For a long time I was fine, I was enjoying the occasion, everyone was in really good spirits but then as in any big crowd there are always one or two who start being stupid and have the potential to ruin it for everyone. This idiot walked past me with a PSG scarf above his head, the crowd obviously saw him and all turned towards him giving him verbal’s. I’ve been in crowds before when I was younger and seen those types of instances between rival fans get ugly. With him being so close to me, my body went into survival mode, thinking this could get ugly at any moment. Thankfully it didn’t get any worse than that, but my body struggled to calm down as we were getting more and more squashed in as people tried to squeeze in.

People then started throwing fruit and veg into the crowd. It started off as light hearted fun but then children were getting hit in the head and the Police were telling people to stop. To be fair it did stop but my body couldn’t take it anymore and I had nowhere to escape too. I was in a crowd of millions of people.

A Baker and his Freezer to the Rescue

In what I can only call a small miracle we were stood outside a bakers and for some reason the Baker opened the door a couple of inches. We thought it was shut. I didn’t hesitate in asking him to come inside. I explained to him with my head through the door, I had severe Anxiety and Panic disorder and needed to calm down, he asked his boss who kindly let me in.

As I went in I completely broke down. I was in floods of tears and shaking. I’d been holding it together for 2 days. (2 years and 2 days!) I’m not sure what the Bakers thought seeing a grown ass football fan crying his eyes out, but they obviously thought I looked hot and bothered and asked if I wanted to stand in the Freezer to cool down!

I gladly obliged and spent a couple of mins crying in a Freezer! Not what I had on my bingo card of how the Parade would turn out. My body calmed down enough for me to Brave going outside again and thankfully didn’t have to wait long for the open top buses to come past and the real celebrations to begin.

After the buses had gone past I put my head through the door to thank the Bakers for letting me in. they didn’t have to do that, but they made my day and helped me massively in getting through it. So if they ever read this, massive thanks to Finks Bakery on Blackstoock road.

Trying to get back to Kingcross to catch our train was a mission. I was flagging again big time and had to stop on the Fields of Highbury for a breather for 40 mins to get ut of the main crowd of people. I’ve never seen so many people walking past, for 40 mins it kept going and going with people 30-50 deep. I’m convinced it was 1.5 million people.

As we tried to make our way around the Emirates and then Highbury and Islington station all the roads were blocked off with people, the crowds too busy to move through, fire engines and ambulances and police cars were everywhere. But it all seemed to be party vibes so couldn’t work out what was going on. Then someone told us people had broken onto the train tracks and so they shut down the tube stations which was causing the bottle necks everywhere. We manged to navigate our way around. At this point I was just being led by my brother, I had my hand on his shoulder just following him through the crowds. I was going through waves of Anxiety again but from a much better place. I was so proud of myself for doing all I had done the last 2 days.

2 years ago when I’d have a panic attack. I'd beat myself up for hours on end thinking I was weak and pathetic. Now I know how tough it is and how resilient you have to be to face that everyday and you have to go through it to continue to live.

I couldn’t care less that Arsenal lost the champions league final, we won the Premier League and I had the best 2 days of my Arsenal supporting life and Arsenal have been a massive part of me getting through my Anxiety. My love for them has pushed me to step out of my comfort zone to do things I would have hidden away from and shown me I can do it and I can survive, that I can have panic attacks in public and people will help you, that people don’t judge you.

I'm making peace with the fact I can’t control the Anxiety or when I have an Anxiety attack, it’s part of the illness, the only thing I can control is how I react to it and how I choose to live in despite of it.

As I write this blog I’m a bag of emotions, I’m physically exhausted from a gruelling weekend, which amps up the anxiety and emotions and so I’ve spent the day trying to keep as calm as possible and let my body regulate again. Its frustrating I can’t just carry on normally but……

Two years ago I couldn't sit on my own sofa and watch Arsenal. This weekend I stood amongst more than a million people and lived to tell the tale. And that is something that I will keep with me and carry me forward.

Up The Arsenal!