As someone who has always been active, whether it was playing sport or working out, Anixety and Panic Disorder has had a major impact on this area of my life.

In hindsight the first signs of my anxiety started before my first panic attack in the gym. I used to workout every day, it was part of my daily routine. I loved going to the gym and I loved running. I would usually run home from the gym, but over the course of a few months I felt myself really starting to struggle with my runs and sometimes my workouts too, I felt like I wasn’t breathing properly and my body felt really tight, I was running slower and taking longer to recover. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was as I should have been getting fitter not feeling like I was breaking down.

It felt strange as there was no physical sign or reason as to why this was happening and I guess that seed of worry about my health is where it really started. I kept questioning why I was feeling so tired, worn out and unable to workout like normal, it was that internal questioning that probably led to to my mind thinking something was wrong which eventually led to the panic attack. It was a gradual build up of feeling uneasy in my body until that day in the gym when I had my first panic attack. At the time it felt like it had come out of nowhere, my body felt like it was shaking and my mind sort of went numb, I felt disorientated and a sense that I needed to escape from danger, even though there wasn’t any. I remember dropping the weights and not putting them away and running out the gym before breaking down in a state of panic and tears in my car, not quite sure what was going on.

After that first panic attack I started to feel really bad in my body every time I worked out and simple exercise felt like I’d never exercised before in my life. I was struggling for breath and lifting weights my body would shake so badly. It was around this time I started having panic attacks in general life and they gradually became more and more frequent till I was having them every day until I was no longer having panic attacks but I was stuck in a panic attack 24/7.

At that point any form of movement, even walking would cause me to panic or have a sense I was dying. I hadn’t been diagnosed at that point with Anxiety and Panic disorder so I felt something must be majorly wrong with my body I just didn’t know what.

At my worst when I was homebound with severe anxiety and panic disorder I couldn’t workout at all. Any form of movement was too stressful on my body and I would break down in panic or tears every time I tried. Not understanding how or why my body was reacting this way. Even walking was a struggle physically as I would shake so much and be dizzy all the time.

This would frustrate me so much and was probably the hardest thing I had to deal with on my journey as I couldn’t get my head round having been so fit and working out everyday to being physically unable to due to mental burnout.

I wanted to workout, and everything you read or hear about mental health says exercise is meant to help with your mental health. If that was true, why was I struggling so much? I couldn’t get my head round it as it was making it worse. So I kept thinking there there must be something major wrong? Which would lead to more anxiety and panic.

I think part of my problem is, apart fromnot really knowing what was wrong or what my body was doing, is that I am not very good at doing nothing and always try to fix things or persevere through hardship, which is a double edged sword. It’s bought me success in life but going through anxiety it has probably slowed my recovery somewhat as I wasn’t able to accept it and allow myself time to rest and recover and allow the anxious feelings. I would fight them and try to fix them. I kept thinking if I can workout and feel good after a workout I’d be recovering but I just felt worse.

For a while I had no choice, my body was telling me it had had enough and I couldn’t do any exercise at all. Any time I tried to move or do anything I would shake o much and feel so uncomfortable it was impossible. So I just stopped completely.

However the anxiety was still there and wasn’t going away and I needed to do something before I went crazy! I was still trying to fix myself and shake off whatever was happening to me.

I started off trying yoga, I wasn’t very flexible when I was fit and healthy, I even failed the sit and reach test at school if that’s even possible haha! so this was a struggle anyway! Even doing 5 mins at first, I would have a panic attack or feel so unsteady and anxious I couldn’t carry on. This would frustrate and scare me in equal measure, as the same questions of why this is happening to me would keep repeating min my head. There was no escape from the anxiety and shakiness my body was going through.

By this point I was reading a lot about anxiety recovery and what to do, I was trying a lot, but nothing really seemed to be working. I tried breathing exercises, which I could do in moments of calmness but during panic or anxious moments that made thing worse.

Then one day doing a meditation to try and get to sleep, I had a vision of my grandparents who said I should do Tai Chi. I don’t think either of them had ever done Tai Chi when they were alive but I’d taken to praying for help, having never really prayed before in my life and so when I had this vision I thought I should give it a try.

For a while I’d been a Beachbody instructor and remembered they had a Tai Chi programme on their platform so I decided to give that a go to start and see how I got on.

The slow movements, combined with the breathing needed for Tai Chi, really helped. I was able to do the workout without being a total mess. I would still feel anxious in moments throughout, but I was able to get through the workouts. After a while I had the confidence to try yoga again and this time I was able to get through a 25 min workout. I wouldn’t feel too good afterwards and the anxiety was still there but at least I was working out again and felt like I was making progress. I was soon combing Tai Chi and yoga together along with some breathing practices I had found online.

At this stage of my recovery, I was going out for a walk everyday now too, I wasn’t able to go out alone and was usually going with my sister. A 2000 step walk around the block would wear me out, not so much from the walk itself, but the fear and stress of it on my body. I would still feel like I was going to fall over with every step and my body was still shaking along with all the other fun anxious symptoms you get. Even after a short walk I would need to go and lie down for a few hours as my body tried to recover. This would frustrate and scare me as I still couldn’t understand it or come to terms with it.

The more I did it though the further I was able to walk. The anxious feelings and sensations were still there and I didn’t feel like myself, but they weren’t impacting me as much physically and the sensations would sometimes be less to the point where I eventually felt confident enough to be able to walk on my own again.

Being me though, I decided to push it too far, too soon and tried to go for a run, the first run was a walk and a jog and I felt ok but then I tried to run properly which resulted in me having a panic attack. As I finished the run, I lost my vision and stumbled, having to prop myself up against a wall. This sent me into a full on panic attack, which wiped me out for 3 days in bed and put me off running and exercise again due to the fear. That panic attack set me back quite a bit and I didn’t attempt to exercise again for a couple of months. I was back to being scared to walk and had to start walking with my sister again and went back to the Tai Chi.

As I started to get confident again, walk further and walk alone. I started doing some home workouts. Again, this was a real struggle at first as it would induce a sense of panic and anxiousness that I would struggle to shake off. A 30 min workout at a slow and light pace would wipe me out for the rest of the day. More often than not I’d end up going back to bed exhausted and struggling. But I refused to stop and would try again everyday.

I eventually got to a place where I felt confident enough working out at home to try the gym again. But I also tried driving to the gym too having not been driving due to my anxiety. The combo of doing both was too much for my mind and body to take and would trigger the panic. So I stopped trying to go to the gym after a few visits and continued to work out at home.

At this stage I felt really confused as to what I should or shouldn’t do, should I push on and workout anyway and feel like crap afterwards for hours on end or should I go back to doing nothing. There was no road map or anyone to sort of tell me what to do. I was just trying to figure it out on my own.

I think the biggest struggle for me was allowing myself to not be ok and accept I had anxiety and it was having an effect on my body, and allow myself time to rest and recover and heal. I really am not good at sitting still and doing nothing. So, it was finding a balance that allowed me to recover but also keep active.

At first, I think my battle with exercise was proving to myself I could still do it, I couldn’t understand how I was afraid of it or felt so bad during it. I didn’t understand anything about the nervous system and the effect it was having. I kept thinking if I could push through a workout I would be healing

I was still struggling to go out socially and do things outside and so when I saw an SAS bootcamp at the beach, which I’d done a couple of years ago, I thought I’d give it a go. It would be a way to go out and speak to people but also see how much my body could cope with. The workout was 45 mins. I got through 40 mins of the workout having pushed myself as much as I could before I broke down in floods of tears. I had to take myself off to oneside and sat on the beach just crying. I’ve no idea who she is, but if she ever reads this, I’d like to thank the lady who came up to me and spoke to me when she saw me crying. I told her a bit about my story and she said it was no wonder I was going through what I was, which was probably the first time I’d allowed myself to be soft on myself and tell myself it was ok to be going through what I was going through. I didn’t have to try and carry it all anymore.

The tears helped me in the moment and reduced the anxiety a bit that day which was another lesson to let the emotion out rather than bottling it all inside.

The guys who ran the SAS bootcamp offered a weeks free trial at their gym Maximum fitness. They offered a daily boxing class and a daily bootcamp style fitness class. So me being me decided to throw myself in fully and not just do one class but do both classes every day.

Before Anxiety, I had never been nervous before working out but I was definitely feeling apprehensive about what lay ahead. I decided to just put my head down and get on with it. The first day I was able to do both the boxing and bootcamp class which I felt really proud about. It did take me a few hours afterwards to calm down my nervous system, but I thought I was gonna be ok for the week.

The next day though had different ideas. During the boxing class I started to struggle, and after about 25 mins I had to leave the gym to calm down, again letting the tears flow. I had about 15 mins before the next class so I steadied myself and decided to push on. I managed to complete the class but afterwards my body went into shutdown mode and I started trembling and feeling all the anxiety symptoms.

At this point I was committed though and felt that I needed to prove to myself again that I could push through and do it. For the rest of the week I did both classes to varying degrees of success. Some of them I completed with tears running down my face, others I managed to pull through before getting home and breaking down at home.

It was tough on my body and nervous system, but mentally I had shown myself I was still capable of digging deep and pushing on. In fact I don’t think I’d ever dug so deep as it took to get through some of those workouts. It wasn’t that the workouts were tough in themselves, it was what I had to do to mentally get through them without going into panic. I was fighting my own body.

That week showed me I was still physically capable of working out which was really good mental boost but it also showed me I needed to find a way to do it without burning myself out.

Since that week I did a couple more intense camps which I pushed myself to the limit physically and mentally to the point where between each session I would breakdown. My bodies nervous system was exhausted. I’d proven to myself that Mentally and physically I could push through but my nervous system was burnt-out and that is what I needed to rest and let recover. Working out harder and faster wasn’t going to help that.

I needed to slow down and teach my body how to feel safe again working out. Which is where I am at now.

Before I felt I had to prove something to myself, that I wasn’t weak mentally or physically. I’d prided myself on being strong in both but in reality this had nothing to do with that, this was about my nervous system needing to be regulated and feeling safe again.

I’ve noticed when I do a workout with weights at the moment, my body still shakes too much and it takes me too long to recover after so I’m staying away from weights. I’m not afraid to workout anymore but I know if I push too hard in a boxing workout my stress levels in the body are too high, and that causes my anxiety to be much worse throughout the day.

I’ve taken the last few days off without working out and noticed my daily anxiety has been less, instead of pushing hard, I’ve been taken longer slower walks and stretching and not been beating myself up for “doing nothing”. I’m allowing myself time to heal and being ok with it.

Although I can feel myself wanting to workout again, so I need to find that happy medium of doing just enough but not pushing too much. It feels like a fine balance to get right. There is the old me who wants to keep pushing on and striving for more and there is a new part of me that is trying to be ok with doing less and being okay with that whilst I recover.

Fo anyone else struggling with anxiety and working out that’s not sure what to do here is what I have learned from experience and would do differently to recover.

Firstly I would accept I have anxiety and that it effects your nervous system. You aren’t mentally or physically weak. It’s a nervous system that needs healing. It took me a long time to accept something was wrong with me and I needed to do that first to allow myself to start to heal.

The more I tried to resist anxiety or figure out what ws wrong the worse it was. Once I started to allow it and recognise it for what it was, the less intense it started to become.

If you’re struggling with anxiety and working out and you don’t know what you’re supposed to do, this is what I’ve learned the hard way, and what I would do differently if I had to start again.

The first thing would be acceptance. Not giving up, not labelling myself as broken, but accepting that I had anxiety and panic disroder and that it was affecting my nervous system. I wasn’t mentally weak or physically incapable, my system was overloaded and needed time to heal. It took me a long time to accept that, and until I did, everything felt like a fight.

The more I tried to resist the anxiety or work out what was “wrong” with me, the worse it got. When I started to allow it and recognise it for what it was, a unregulated nervous system, it slowly lost some of its grip. It didn’t disappear overnight, but it became less intense and less frightening.

If I were doing it again, I’d start gently. walking. stretching. simple breathing. Then building up to things like Tai Chi and yoga. From there, I’d add in a couple of light workouts each week, not every day, and I’d stop expecting myself to feel good straight away. You probably won’t at first, and that’s okay. Let the discomfort be there without trying to fix it or push it away. Your body needs time to recover and feel safe.

Every so often, I’d do something that challenged me a bit more, something just outside my comfort zone, to remind my body that stress isn’t dangerous. But I’d also give myself enough space afterwards to settle and reset. Looking back, I pushed too many days in a row without letting my system calm down, and it eventually shut me down instead.

The balance is hard. Push too little and fear creeps in. Push too much and your nervous system burns out. Recovery lives somewhere in the middle, and finding that middle takes patience, trial and error, and a lot of self-compassion.

I also learned the hard way I'm not superhuman, I am allowed to be vunerable and breakdown and show weakness. That doesn't mean I am weak, it means I'm learning and getting better and I'm healing.

Remember the only way out is through, but be patient and compassionate with yourself along the way.