Anxiety can feel like a very lonely and frustrating place. Even with people around you who are supportive and want the best for you, anxiety can still feel extremely isolating and lonely.

You can become trapped in your own mind and body, a prison cell your mind has created while trying to protect you. Your physical body may be present in a situation, but your mind is elsewhere, lost in its own cycle of panic and fear, fearing the worst and wondering what you need to do to get through this bout of panic just to survive.

When I first got anxiety and panic disorder, it was obvious to anyone around me who knew me well that something was wrong. I’d be shaking and twitching so badly, and I’d fall into complete silence, unable to communicate. The slightest body movement could, and often did, create a wave of panic that would surge through my entire body. I could barely function, even to look after myself.

As time went on and I started to recover, it became less obvious. My family could probably still tell, but people outside of that would be completely oblivious to what I was dealing with.

I could be out, surrounded by people, and no one could tell that I felt like I was dying on the inside. That I was trapped by fear. That I was hyper-aware of every sensation in my body, desperately wanting to escape my own skin, wanting to run from the sensations themselves.

It would be so frustrating that one minute I could be feeling totally calm and the next minute out of nowhere be in a complete state of panic with my body feeling like it was in tatters, my chest gripped tight, eyes blurry, breathing sharp and shallow, stomach in knots feeling like it was going to explode.

I was fed up not being able to do simple things without being in a heightened state of panic, walking to the supermarket - panic, eating dinner - panic, brushing your teeth - panic, trying to drink a glass of water - panic, sitting in the car - panic!. What the actual fuck is going on?!?! Why is my body reacting this way? Why is my mind letting it? How do I stop it? How do I regulate normally again? how do i go back to being normal? How did this even happen? Just stop please!!!!

This endless loop of feeling totally shit, frustrated, tired, angry, lost and lonely. Wondering what and who can help you?

In trying to recover I was pretty open about my anxiety and would tell people what I was going throughI it was a way for me to cope, I figured if I told people around me I wouldn't look crazy, if I started twitching or suddenly tune out of a conversation and not join in people might understand. But after a while that would frustrate me as I didn't want to be a victim, I hated whinging about how crap I felt all the time.

There was also another voice that was like you can't tell people how you are feeling all the time, one they'd think you are mad as you are in a situation that doesn't warrent panic or fear and two I didnt want to be whinging about how ill and bad I was feeling all the time. I'd then get stuck in thoughts of being weak and how was I ever going to get my life back together, how could I run a business again or have a relationship when I could barely look after myself.

I have never been a victim and played the blame game and always taken accountabilty for my actions but here I was acting like a victim, complaining all the time about how bad and ill I felt. I hated it and I wanted to escape from it but found that verbalising and sharing it also helped me.

In some ways speaking it out loud and sharing it with people helped normalise it, it started to take away some of the power of the sensations, learning other people had anxiety to various degrees, and had the same physical sensations allowed me to think this might actually be normal and acept my body was reacting to stress and trying to heal. Also letting people know allowed me to be vunerable without as much fear of being judged.

But this too also became frustrating and was the hardest part to accept. As much as people cared, as much as they wanted to help, no one could actually do this for me. No one could calm my nervous system. No one could stop the thoughts.

I wanted an off switch. I wanted someone to step in and fix it. But the truth is healing had to come from within. From my own thought's and actions. I had to calm my own nervous sytem and rewire my brain to a place of safety.

That hasn't been easy at all and I have done a lot of work in trying to heal which I have shared in other blogs.

A trick I've been using lately is saying so what?. Instead of going inside myself and asking why am I feeling dizzy and then trying to fix the dizziness (or whatever symptom it is at the time)? I'll just say so what? If I'm going to fall over, so what? I'll stand back up! If I'm going to pass out so what? I'll come round and carry on! If I have a heart attack so what? I'll be looked after by a Doctor and recover.

I don't know if its some Jedi mind trick I'm playing on myself or not but it's helping the symptoms pass through the body quicker. Before they would linger and I could become fixated on a symptom and that would make it feel 10 times larger and increase the panic. The so what attitude is signalling to my mind that it can't be that bad if he's saying so what. So the body reacts in a different way. Usually by throwing up another symtom trying to grab my attention. So what?

Another thing Ive started to do is say my name, before taking to myself as if I'm talking to myself in the the third person. That may be a sign of madness! But I've found speaking in the 3rd person to the symptoms takes it away from me. It's like someone else is telling me I'm ok and I'll survive. Another Jedi mind trick? I don't know but it's helping to lessen the severity of symptoms and stop them lasting as long.

I'll say my name and tell myself I've been dizzy before and survived much worse. This will pass and you'll be fine. Saying my name is as if someone else is saying it and reassuring me rather than myself. It snaps me into the present rather than being lost in all the what if's.

It's also lonely in that most people you'd talk to about it can't really grasp what you are going through as they've not experienced it themselves, they want to help, they try and help but it feels like you are speaking alien to them. It's so hard to describe what's going on as it doesn't feel normal. I've had sore muscles in the past from working out and know what that feels like, muscle tightness and tension from Anxiety doesn't feel the same. I've been out of breath exercising before, being out of breath with anxiety doesn't feel the same. Nothing feels the same, it just feels off and that is hard to explain and understand.

That’s the part people don’t talk about enough. Anxiety is lonely not because no one cares, but because no one can feel it for you. No one can step inside your body and calm it down. No one can turn it off.

You can be sitting in a room full of people, looking fine, while inside you’re fighting to stay present, to stay upright, to stay alive.

No one sees the battle. No one can fight it for you. And that might be the hardest part of all.

So if you are feeling scared and alone and like noone understands I get it. That's how I have felt for a longtime and I think that is one of the reasons I feel compelled to create a community for people who are suffering from Anxiety and Panic Disorder because speaking to someone who really does know what its like to go through it can help. Speaking with others in the same situation helps you start to make sense of what is happening and learn ways to heal.