You wouldn’t know it from this picture and thats what makes it so hard to deal with…..

Before this pic was taken I’d been on the tube heading to the game and was in the middle of a panic attack. One minute I was speaking to someone next to me the next I was shaking like a leaf, wanting nothing more than to turn around and go home. I was no longer able to talk to the guy next to me, I just grunted in acknowledgment.

There is no rhyme or reason to when panic can take over. Something I’ve loved my whole life is going to the football with my Dad and brothers. This shouldn’t be scary, (spurs fans may disagree!) but it is.

Counting the stations till I can get off, thinking this is taking forever, heart rate pounding out of my chest, blurry vision, feeling like I’m losing my mind, stomach so tense I think it’s going to implode. How do I calm down? How do I ride out this wave? Is this the panic attack that’s going to kill me?

These are all the thoughts going through my head as I wait to get to my station. Heading to the pub before the game, everyone is in a jovial mood but i can hardly talk, I’m thinking I don’t want to be here, I want to get back home to safety. But I am

Safe there is nothing dangerous here. Why do I feel like this? I have a drink in my hand but I can’t drink it, the panic is too much, I feel like I’ll choke on it. You try and swallow and you can’t. Why can’t I swallow is this me dying?

On the walk to the stadium, I’m checking my breath it feels off, why is it off. Why do I feel so out of breath walking? Why am I feeling dizzy?

The game starts, you can hardly see the pitch (not because you are so high at St James park, but because your vision is so blurry) you try and focus on the game, your mind is foggy so you try and remember who the players are to test your brain still works. You feel your mouth dry and try to swallow, but you can’t, another wave of panic comes

Over you. Do I leave now? Or can I get to half time? The bloke next to you says something to you but you can’t speak back. You just nod grimacingly.

What happened during the game? During the first half I couldn’t tell you. I was so wrapped up in panic. Heading into the second half the panic starts to ease. You feel yourself coming back into your body, you can see again, and your brain apppears to be working. What the hell was that all about? Why have I been panicking? You start to get into the game, feel the excitement of the crowd. But then bam, another wave of panic comes over you. This time even more intense. I’m wobbling on my

Feet, thinking I’m going to fall over. I have to grab the railing in front of me to steady myself. Ok you are safe, calm down. Breathe. You’ve got this. Only 20 mins to go.

The final whistle goes, it’s pandemonium in the stands. The roar of the crowd sends a jolt of adrenaline through my body. I feel on fire the panic turns to joy. I made it. I’ve been into the lions den despite the fear. I faced it head on. I rolled with the punches and came out on top. Shaken but buoyed by the fact I did it. It would have been so easy to turn around and go home but what life would that be?