As with most symptoms of Anxiety, it hits out of nowhere!

I’m looking at someone, and suddenly their face just… disappears. I can see the outline, but the detail is gone. Like someone’s turned the focus off.

Words on a screen start jumbling up. Sunlight feels too bright. My eyes struggle to adjust when I’m outside and start twitching. It’s disorientating, especially when you’ve always had good vision.

The Opticians

I knew what they were going to say before I even went. I knew it was anxiety. I knew it was my nervous system still out of whack but I had to rule it out from being anything else.

So I did what most people do. I went to the doctors. Then the opticians.

And like everything else with Anxiety, they told me the same thing.....

There’s nothing wrong.......

My vision is fine. 20:20. My eyes are working exactly how they should.

But that doesn’t make it any easier.

Because everyone tells you you’re fine…but your body feels broken.

I should feel relief that nothing is wrong but I can't help breaking down in tears. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating. And it messes with your head when what you’re experiencing feels so real, but you’re told there’s nothing wrong. I literally can't see but my eyes are apparently fine! Wtf man!!

There i nothing I can do except say, Oh well, it's just something else I have to endure until the next symptom comes along.

Cracking on Anyway

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to help myself in other ways and distract myself from the blurry vision.

One thing that’s actually helped… is being creative and building this blog and website. . as well as drawing cartoons. Drawing the cartoons led to me chatting to my neighbour who has been drawing people's pets.

As a result of that conversation I offered to build her a website to promote her pet art. It was a way for me to get creative and have some focus.

In doing so it's helped me redisover some of my old self and get back to some normality and feel like I'm overcoming the Anxiety.

I've been in business meetings all my life but having to sit opposite someone one to one when your body doesnt feel right is so hard. It feels so intimate and you feel exposed and self concious, I can feel myself twtching hoping she doesn't notice, my stomach is in knots and I'm trying not to wince and grimace. struggling to pay attention to what is being said. The self chatter going at 100 miles an hour, telling myself to calm down. it's irrational, the fear doesn't make sense. The body is reacting to danger that isn't there. I hold it together as long as I can before having to end the meetin, hoping she hasn't noticed. As I leave, the emotion takes over and it all comes pouring out, I break down in floods of tears, relived I got through it but dissapointed in how hard it was. But I showed myself I could do it again and thats the first step and the more meetings we had the easier they started to become. I started to become more present.

Still Pushing

Today I went a step further.

I said I’d help her promote the website by handing out business cards to dog walkers while I’m out on my daily walk.

I knew this would be a challenge for myself and I'd have to battle some demons along the way. It wasn't long ago I couldn't leave my house, 50 meters down the road I'd be having a panic attack and have to get home. There was no way I could have spoken to people, the word's just didn't come out. I was too trapped by fear.

But that’s what I did. And I had to laugh at my predicament

Because as I was walking up to people… I couldn’t see their faces properly. Just blurred shapes. No detail. I could have been talking to the hottest girl in the world and not had a clue!

But I was out here, talking to strangers… half blind, dogs running around my feet… and still going.

Just another day living with Anxiety!

Pawtraits

If you are still reading this far and have a pet you may like a Pawtrait of, you can check out my neighbours website here. She is currently offering 50% off to the first 10 people who order a commission, so don't wait too long. You may not SEE another deal like this 😜