I’m writing this blog after a conversation with my mum, who told me I should read my own blog because I’d probably find some good advice in here to help reduce my anxiety.

Apparently, I’ve been writing things worth listening to, which is both reassuring… and mildly concerning.

When your best advice comes from something you’ve already written, you know anxiety is doing mental gymnastics.

If that isn’t a paradox of anxiety, I don’t know what is.

Anxiety and Exercise: Stepping Back to Calm My Nervous System

I've spent a few weeks not working out and doing very little exercise, I've been doing a few gentle walks everyday, to see how it affected my general anxiety.

Not working out has actually helped reduce my baseline anxiety. By not constantly increasing adrenaline and cortisol in my system, I feel like I’ve managed to calm my body down overall.

But now I'm in a catch 22 situation where I want to workout but know that it effects me badly at the moment. This morning I went for my usual walk around the block and felt comfortable enough that I thought I'd try a light workout.

Physical Anxiety Symptoms That Start in the Body

I only did about 8 mins of some very light weight work, but it turns out that is still too much. As soon as I finished I started to feel my body shaking, my chest getting tight and the sense of fear come over me, the cascade of thoughts about what is wrong with me and why is this still happening started.

I know the pattern and I do my best to break it, I try my hardest not to focus on the sensations and discomfort in my body. But I get so frustrated that my body is reacting this way and find it almost impossible not to question why or what is wrong.

I have a very analytical mind as it is and have always been a problem solver and this is a probem I'm really struggling to fix.

A Conversation With My Mum About Anxiety Recovery

I was having a half whinge half panic to my mum in the kitchen, telling her how uncomfortable and frustrated I was that this keeps happening. I was trying to work out the connection between the mental side of it and the physical side of what is going on in my body and I was getting myself more and more wound up and frustrated.

My Mum told me I need to go and read my own blogs! She said she reads them and thinks to herself, "oh Graeme needs to do this"

We both laughed at the irony of it. I told her it's easier for me to write them than it is to action them and that is because it is a constant internal battle with myself. I can be feeling good in myself and out of nowhere the sensations start and grab my attention, and then I have to try and remember everything I've learned and taught myself to break the cycle.

Reminding Myself This Is Just Anxiety

I am constantly having to talk to myself and remind myself this is "Just Anxiety" and it's part of the illness, I keep having to break the pattern, and calm myself down. And I'm getting better at it, but sometimes, I just need that little reminder to follow my own advice.

I know it works because I have done it. But that doesn't mean it's easy or gets any easier.

How a Sensitised Nervous System Affects Anxiety

A couple of nights ago I was listening to a podcast Tony Robbins was on and one of the hosts asked about his Anxiety and how he could control it.

Tony asked the host where he felt the Anxiety in his body and what shape it was and what colour it was. I've tried to picture this myself before as it feels like something is trapped in my body that causes it and I try and visualise it leaving my body.

Some of what Tony said made a lot of sense to me and other parts felt way off the mark. He spoke about physiology and language and how the creative mind can quiten the Anxious mind. All things I've learned and experienced myself.

But what Tony and I think a lot of people miss is how much the nervous system is effected by Anxiety. My thought's about working out were not fearful, I wasn't anxious to work out, but I had a physical reaction after working out that caused Anxiety. It was a body reaction first and then the thoughts come after when you can't explain it.

So I get using language after to calm yourself down makes sense but the pyhsiolgy I can't get my head around when it's physical action that causes the sensations that cause the thoughts.

And I think this is the bit I’m still learning to accept.

My thoughts about working out weren’t fearful. I wasn’t anxious about doing it. I actually felt quite calm and confident beforehand. But my body reacted anyway.

That’s the part that’s hardest to get my head around.

The reaction didn’t start in my mind, it started in my body. The shaking, the tight chest, the adrenaline surge, that came first. The anxious thoughts only arrived afterwards, when my brain tried to make sense of what was happening.

Learning to Accept Anxiety Instead of Trying to Fix It

And that’s where the frustration creeps in. I never used the feel this way after working out. I've always enjoyed working out and used to feel energised. My body has done a 180 on me.

But when something isn’t working, my instinct is to try and figure it out. I was used to solving problems and challenges in my business. When an issue came up, it energised me when I could fix it, I’d look for the cause and work towards a solution and that solution usually meant a better business.

Anxiety, or more accurately, a sensitised nervous system, doesn’t respond well to that approach.

The more I analyse it and try to figure it out, the more my body reacts as if it’s in danger, creating even more symptoms and reactions.

I’m having to learn to switch off my analytical mind and accept how my body is feeling and how it’s reacting. When I can do that, my system calms down and the sensations aren’t as intense.

Maybe this phase isn’t about pushing through or figuring out the perfect balance between exercise and rest. Maybe it’s about listening to what my body can tolerate right now, even if my mind thinks it should be able to do more, and accepting that.

It’s hard not to think I’m broken, rather than healing.

I’m used to doing more and more, pushing forward, measuring progress in action. But I’m slowly learning that I’m a human being, not a human doing. And being, right now, means accepting where I am.

And that doesn’t mean I’m going to be stuck like this forever.

It just means my nervous system is still healing.

And sometimes, the work is doing exactly what my Mum said, going back and reading my own words, and reminding myself that I already know this.

Even if I need to hear it again.