Momento mori - remember you must die

Last night was the first time I’ve been out to a crowded place since my last panic attack. So I was bricking it. Walking in I started to feel all the dizziness and headache stuff that comes with it but I was determined to push on and not let it ruin my evening.

After all I was going to watch a talk from a former SBS soldier and royal marine, so was using that as motivating strength to get me through.

I could relate to a lot of the stories he was telling because my Dad had done a lot of the same training and we’d lived in the same places and it bought back a lot of memories. Even some of the photos he showed on screen were the same ones I have of my Dad so it was quite emotional anyway.

But what I wasn’t expecting was for Jason Fox to talk about PTSD, anxiety and mental health.

He started to tell story about his time in the SBS when he had his first panic attack and how he curled up like a 10’year old and all he wanted was a hug from his mum. How it hit him out of nowhere. That was something I could totally relate to. It’s something I’ve lived every day for the last 8 months.

At that point I started crying uncontrollably like I was having an exorcism. Here was someone who is as tough as they come talking about the same struggles I’m going through.

Crying in public made me want to get up and leave, I was conscious of disturbing the people around me but I managed to pull myself together and watch the rest of the talk in a little more comfort.

I wanted to hear how he overcame PTSD and anxiety. And it turns out that I’m on the right track.

One of the things I say to myself to keep me going is I’m a Royal Marines son, don’t give up, so to hear it from another Royal was a nudge to keep going.

I have to keep allowing the emotions I’m going through and not bottle them up and then get out there and live again. Don’t let the fear and pain hold me back

It’s not easy, I’ve been wiped out today with the worst headache and feelings of exhaustion from just being out last night. It feels like one step forward two steps back at times but gonna keep cracking on and overcome this shit by living my life. We all must die - but it’s how we live that counts. Make the days count!

The Commando Values – Excellence, Integrity, Self Discipline and Humility

The Commando Spirit –Courage, Determination, Unselfishness and Cheerfulness

in order to enable the

Commando Mindset – first to understand, first to adapt and respond, first to overcome