Last night lying in bed unable to sleep (which is often the case these days) my mind started to drift back to this time last year.

I was having some of the darkest thoughts of my life. My body was a total mess, at that point I didn’t really understand what was wrong with me or what was happening. All I knew was I was in a terrible state, I couldn’t leave the house out of fear for no apparent reason. My body was constantly shaking and I was dizzy what felt like all the time. My brain was so foggy, I couldn’t think straight and I couldn’t look after myself.

I honestly didn’t know how I could carry on, I didn’t know how to fix myself or where to look. I didn’t know anyone who had been ill like me or if anyone had ever recovered. I was lost in the darkness and didn’t really know where to turn. I started having some really dark thoughts about not being able to carry on. Those thoughts were scaring me as that is not who I was or who I am. I’d always prided myself on being strong minded. I couldn’t contemplate that but here I was giving myself an ultimatum. I told myself I had to start getting better by my birthday in 3 weeks time or what’s the point of carrying on. I can’t live my life like this.

There had to be a way to recover, a roadmap to follow. If not I was going to make it and I was willing to try anything and everything to get better.

Over the course of the last year I have done everything in my power to heal my mind and body, to start recreating the life I thought I’d lost forever.

I’m by no means fully recovered and still have really bad days but from where I was this time last year to where I am now is nothing short of a miracle.

The journey has not been easy and there has been a lot of setbacks and tears along the way, thinking things aren’t working, that I wasn’t getting any better but step by step and with trial and error I’m slowly getting there and can see signs of improvement.

Having anxiety and panic disorder and having spoken about it and researched it online. I’m bombarded by the social media advertising algorithms with adverts saying how they “can cure anxiety overnight” or “stop anxiety in just 2 weeks” and that “this is the only way, this one piece of magic will fix everything and you’ll finally be cured”.

I can tell you first hand that is a load of bollocks. There is no quick fix and there isn’t one thing that will fix you if you are suffering from anxiety and panic disorder and anyone who tells you otherwise is just trying to sell you something or lying out their arse.I really wish there was as I'd take it or buy it or do whatever in a heart beat.

What is true though is that doing a number of different things in conjunction with each other can and does make a difference over time. It’s not quick and you have to put in the work and you have to face your fears everyday. Even when you feel like it’s not working and you are getting worse, you have to keep showing up and trusting that what you’re doing will help you recover in the long term. That isn’t easy especially when you feel like you are fighting against your own body from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep.

I think the key to recovery is doing things consistently and long enough that they have time to integrate into your nervous system and reassure it that it’s ok and doesn’t need to work on overtime trying to protect you.

I’d love nothing more than to be able to click my fingers and make myself well again but that isn’t going to happen and no one can do that for me. But I will keep showing up and doing what I can to get better as that is all I know how to do and if on that journey I can help others then I’ll do that too.

Since sharing my journey I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me who are suffering in their own way from mild anxiety to having full blown panic attacks. I’ve tried to help them as best I can from not being in the best place myself and feeling how can I help someone get better when I’m not better myself. But I’ve realised that I have come a long way from where I was and I have knowledge that can help and so want to share that as I go along.

The Roadmap

I think the hardest part of being ill with anxiety and panic disorder for me was not knowing how to recover and there not being a clear path to recovery. There was nothing to say “do this, this and this to recover” and you can expect “this, this and this to happen” on the road to recovery. I felt like I was figuring it out alone, trying to see what worked and what didn’t, without really knowing what was wrong either. When you can’t see immediate results, to know if something is working, it makes it even harder.

So I thought over the next few blogs I will share the different stages of recovery I’ve been through so far and what exercises and tools have helped me along the way. What my day looks like and how I’ve tried to put into practice everything I’ve learned.

I’m also thinking about creating a community and resource for people who are suffering where they can come and find hope and tools to get better. If that would be of interest to you. Please let me know in the comments on this blog.

I’m going to be working on it in the background putting all the knowledge I’ve learned into some kind of roadmap for people to follow. I’m not sure what format it will take yet but I’ll have something out soon. In the meantime thank you for reading. I hope these blogs help you in some way. If you have any questions please ask in the comments and I’ll do my best to respond.

Remember the only way out is through.

Happy new year!