I wasn’t sure where to start with this blog, because I feel caught between two minds, which, I guess, is the paradox of anxiety itself.

On one hand, I’m proud of how far I’ve come.On the other, I’m still scared and frustrated that panic attacks and anxiety are part of my daily life.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been pushing outside my comfort zone and doing much more than I was. I’m able to do some form of exercise again and go on longer walks. I can handle important phone calls, and don't feel as uncomfortable in the car. I’m functioning in ways that once felt impossible.

But I’m still riding an emotional and physical rollercoaster caused by an unregulated nervous system and the side effects that come with it.

Right now, the biggest challenge I’m dealing with is daily bouts of dizziness. Some mornings I wake up and the room is spinning so badly that I have to grab onto the side of my bed just to steady myself, I can feel myself spinning in that half sleep state just before you wake up. It's an uncomfortable and scary way to start your day and your first thought, is oh no here we go again! Why can't I just feel well when I wake up? I wanted today to be the day I am better!

Some days, I can deal with it, I’ll put the punchbag up in the garage and do some exercise followed by a walk and I'll be able to quiten the voice in my head asking whats wrong with my body and why don't I feel well. Other days, it sends me spiralling, and the anxiety and fear take over before I can regulate enough to stay calm.

Yesterday was one of the harder days.

I woke up with a particularly bad bout of dizziness, the room spinning and I sat upright in a bolt of panic. I tried to steady myself and to exercise anyway, but didn’t feel great, so didn't really push it. I went to lie down to do some breathing exercises but another wave of dizziness hit, much stronger, the room became black and when I tried to stand I felt as if I was going to fall over, and that’s when my body fired off all the danger signals.

Something is seriously wrong.
This isn’t normal.
You’re not safe

You must be dying

At that point, the chimp mind takes over. Logic disappears. You can’t rationalise your way out of it, you’re just reacting to fear and the million danger signals in your body. Everything feels off.

A year ago, that would have been the end of my day. I wouldn’t have had the courage or knowledge to keep going. I would have let the panic take over and retreated to my room and ruminated on the panic all day which would result in the symptoms getting worse and worse as I percieved more danger.

But I’ve learned something since then, the wave of anxety and panic can pass, the body can start to feel normal again. It’s deeply uncomfortable for a period, I'll feel unwell and have doubts that I'm recovering and will be stuck like this forever. Conversation becomes difficult, I don't want to speak, my body is in defence mode. The “what if” thoughts pop up relentlessly. I feel shaky and if something really bad is about to happen. It's often accompanied by tears. But I’m getting better at deflecting the thoughts and talking to my body, reassuring it, that it's ok. .

So instead of retreating, I kept going in spite of feeling uncomfortable and feeling rough. All I want to do is go and hide from the world, cry and wish it will ll go away. But I also know that doesn't solve anything and I won't get better doing that.

As there was no football on TV I suggested to my family to go and watch some local Boxing Day football, Gateshead vs Carlisle, a proper northern lower league derby. This would have been out of the question 6 months ago. I wouldn't have felt capabale, especially with how shaky and dizzy I was feeling. But I've been around the block with this now and know there is no getting away from it, so I have to push on.

On the drive to the stadium, the anxiety was still there. But even that shows progress, being in the car is far easier than it used to be.I'm not gripped with total panic, my body isn't shaking and my stomach isn't in knots like it used to be. Whereas those sensations used to be at 100 on the fear dial, they are now at about a 30. Another shift I’ve noticed is that walking used to make my anxiety worse; now, more often than not, it helps calm me down. I'm starting to think about other things again and not just feeling all the sensations in my body.

So I assumed and banked on that once we parked up and walked to the stadium, I’d start to settle.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen this time.

The dizziness and nausea stuck around, and I struggled with anxious feelings well into the first half of the game. I caught myself clock-watching, counting down the minutes until I could leave and get back home, back to safety. Thinking when I get home, I'll be ok.

I’ve noticed I do this a lot lately. I’m trying to get through things rather than actually being present in them. The feeling of wanting to escape the physical sensations in my body.

But catching myself clock-watching helps. It gives me a chance to interrupt the pattern, change the thought, and shift my focus. What do I need to do now to feel comfortable, to feel safe in my body?

One technique I’ve learned to calm my nervous system is humming. So when the Gateshead fans started singing and chanting, I quietly hummed along to the tunes, mentally swapping the lyrics for Arsenal chants, and slowly, something shifted.

My body began to settle.
I came back into myself.
I re-engaged with life.

I watched the second half without obsessively checking the clock or planning my escape. I started being able to interact with the people around me. This sounds silly but it's where I'm at, I felt ok to get my phone out and text my mates I was at the game and to see if they could guess who the manager was. When going out before I would feel so uncomfortable, any movement like getting my phone out and having to concentrate on it would take real effort and cause more anxiety. The only thing I could think was is my body safe? Am I safe? So to start doing normal things again is progress in itself.

On the walk back to the car, I joined in the conversation. On the drive home, I wasn’t scanning my body for everything that felt wrong. I felt, for the first time that day, normal. Like I was living again. I figured this must feel like the life of a tottenham fan, nervous every game, wanting to escape watching your team get battered everywhere they go! 😜

Can you guess the manager?

When I got home, though, the edge returned. My body still felt off, and I worried about lying down to sleep, because that’s often when the dizziness hits again and the heart and chest sensations and my breathing feels restricted.

And then the why questions start:

Why is my body still on edge?
Why couldn’t I just settle before the game?
Why was I dizzy for no reason?
Why does my body always feel like it’s about to stop working? When am I going to get my independence back? I couldn't do this on my own!

But I caught myself again.I could feel the spiral beginning, so I shifted my focus. I reminded myself of the positives.

A year ago, I would have paid good money to be able to:

• workout in the morning

• sit in a car for half an hour

• stand in a crowd of a few thousand people watching the football

That is massive progress.

I might not feel 100%.
I might still be dealing with horrible sensations.
But I’m up. I’m moving and I’m living, as best I can.

I don’t know how long it will take to feel “normal” again consistently. It’s taken a year to get this far, and sometimes it still feels like a long road ahead.

But I’m going to keep going and I’m going to keep pushing.

If I have to grin and bear it a few more times before my nervous system finally settles, I’ll do that because that's what it takes to retrain myself I am safe and I can do it. Every time I can sit with and go through the uncomfort and come out the otherside I'm reconditioning my mind and body to safety.

Remember, the only way out is through!

Heed Army!!!