Speaking with a friend recently, I had a realisation that helped me understand a pattern I’d been stuck in.

The cause of my panic and anxiety came from years of being under immense stress, which I didn’t even realise I was under at the time. I was just pushing through as I’ve always done, taking action and trying to move forward despite all the fires burning around me.

The problem was that, without realising it, I was conditioning my mind and body for the next bad thing to happen. My system was constantly bracing for impact, scanning for danger, and preparing for the next crisis. I became wired to expect more bad news around every corner. That state of constant hypervigilance eventually locked my nervous system into fight or flight mode with no off switch.

My body was stuck on high alert, flooded with nervous energy that had nowhere to go. Over time, that energy built up until it needed to be released, and it came out as panic attacks and severe anxiety which led to Agoraphobia. If I knew back then what I know now, I’d have handled those first few panic attacks very differently. But I didn’t. The fear of them, mixed with the stress I was already under, created a bigger fire that I couldn’t put out.

The best way to deal with a panic attack isn’t to run from it, it’s to face it. Those sensations aren’t there to kill you; they’re your body’s way of protecting you.

The difference between us and our ancestors is that our dangers are rarely physical anymore. A caveman faced wilderbeast and sabretooth tigers and his surge of adrenaline and cortisol was burned off instantly through running or fighting. Today, our dangers come in the form of a heated argument with a fmaily member, financial stress, or emotional overwhelm, but the same chemicals flood our bodies, only they don’t get released. Instead, they build up as repressed emotion and trapped energy within our nervous systems. Over time, that build-up finds a way out, often through panic and anxiety or even chronic pain.

in learning this I’ve done a lot of work to recondition myself, rewire my mind and calm my nervous system, but a conversation with my friend helped me see what may have flipped the switch back on.

I’d been trying to raise money to start my website and blog, and I was beginning to think I wouldn’t reach my goal. One evening I was in the middle of stepping out of my current comfort zone, in a crowded space at a music gig. Going out again is something I've found really diffcicult to cope with and I'd been feeling all the anxious sensations and had started to twitch. I was at the point in the mental cycle where I was forcing myself to stay rather than running to safety like I wanted to, when I checked my phone to see I'd received a notification saying I'd reached my first donation target. I had to take a double look as I wasn't sure I'd read it correctly but when I did I felt the rush of excited adrenaline and cortisol run into my body but this time instead of fearing it, I was excited by it. It felt like life was running through my veins again rather than death.

That single moment sparked something powerful. It triggered a rush of positive emotion that released the pressure I’d been carrying for so long. I could feel something shift in my body, a sense of ease, safety, and hope. It felt like the first really positve thing that had happened in a long time. But above that it showed me how powerful our and and body's are and how that little voice in your head reacts to things. Sensations that had previously felt dangerous and scary suddenly felt exciting and positive. I was no longer caught in negative thoughts that my body wasn't working properly. I'd managed to break the negative thought loop.

Speaking with my friend they suggested that moment of hope and purpose probably shocked my nervous system in the best possible way, it was foreign to it and so it created a spark of light after years of knock-backs and darkness. It gave me belief in myself again, and a reason to move forward.

That evening I felt like my old self again for a couple of hours, I felt like I'd come back into my body and felt at home. I was able to talk to people again and communicate and wasn't caught in a mental prsion that had seemed to of formed. It was hopefully the start to making a full recovery.

So, to everyone who has donated, thank you. And to my friend, thank you for your words of wisdom. You helped me see that sometimes, one act of kindness can flip the switch and start the healing all over again but also that we need to break the negative loop playing our heads the one that senses danger all the time and replace that record with positive thoughts. It's a lot easier said than done but a lesson to keep practicing.