The Crash
The Crash…..
Yesterday I stepped out of my current comfort zone and ventured into town on my own. It’s the first time I’ve been out alone in 18 months. I had waves of anxiety throughout the time I was out, going into mild states of panic as I was walking around.
Just before I was about to go out I got a message from a couple of friends asking if I wanted to meet up for dinner. I was already feeling anxious and worried about getting home but I thought it was a good test to see how far I could push myself.
We met in the resteraunt and I felt the brain fog and tension in my stomach building up and the panic come over me. I tried to sit with it as best I could, noticing myself starting to twitch and struggling to get into the conversation. When you are in this state your body is present but your mind isn’t fully engaged. Your body is screaming for you to leave and get away from perceived danger.
I still struggle to eat at home sometimes is I knew eating in a resteraunt wasn’t going to be easy. When the food arrived I wasn’t able to eat and got worked up into even more of a state to the point where I had to ask for a doggy bag to take my food home. In a state of panic the mind shuts off any systems that aren’t needed for immediate survival. You don’t need to eat if you are running from a tiger so your digestive system shuts down. Unfortunately I’m not running from a tiger but my mind thinks it is.
My 2 friends, one of whom has had his own struggles with anxiety and ptsd were really supportive . I told them what was going on and managed to stay for about an hour before it got too much and I had to make my excuses to leave. I still had to get the metro home and was feeling the panic attack coming on fully. In that state it’s hard to focus on anything and get your bearings and in a busy city centre it can be very daunting. It’s a constant fight trying to reassure yourself you are ok and fight off the feelings you are dying, your sole focus is getting to safety. I sat on the metro shaking, just wanting to get home trying to talk myself into calm.
Once home I felt so mixed up, on the one hand I was proud of myself that I’d made those steps in recovery. 8 months ago I couldn’t leave my front door and today I was going on the metro into town. But on the other side I’m feeling shit about feeling shit and not able to function properly and have the ability I once had. Simple things are not simple anymore.
Today I’ve been in uncontrollable floods of tears as I come down from the emotional roller coaster and tension of the day before.
I have learned this will pass and my body will start to regulate again but it doesn’t make it any easier in the moment. You can’t control what your mind and body are going to do. You just have to try and accept it and not be too hard on yourself. The more you fight it the worse it gets.
I am grateful I was able to go into town on my own and then meet up with people again and proud at the progress I’ve made. I just wish I didn’t have to keep going through that struggle every time I try and push forward.
If you are able to support me in my recovery journey it would be greatly appreciated
