I decided to start posting to Facebook and Instagram again because the hardest thing about anxiety is knowing if you are getting better or not. More often than not it feels like you aren’t making any progress at all. You still feel stuck and trapped in this endless negativity loop of weird sensations in your body and your own mind trying to check what is wrong. The problem is you can’t measure it to know. Or at least I haven’t discovered a way yet.

If I were to break my leg there are stages to the recovery you can measure. First you get your leg set and put in a cast. You know you have a couple of months on crutches as the bone heals. Then the cast comes off and you can start to put some weight back on your leg and start doing some exercises to build back strength before you are able to walk again.

With anxiety there is no yardstick to measure how you are healing or progressing. It’s a minefield.

One minute you feel like you are getting better because you’ve been able to do something you haven’t in a while. For me that might be being able to watch the football in relative comfort without all the intrusive thoughts, tight chest and heavy breathing but then I’m still not able to sit at the dinner table and eat with the family because I’m in a state of anxiety/panic. So it feels like I’ve made no progress and then the negative thoughts start that you can never beat this thing.

The hardest part is trying not to compare yourself to how you used to be, because that’s a sure way to beat yourself up. What was once normal and easy is now like being asked to scale Everest.

You spend a lot of time getting frustrated and beating yourself up because you can’t function like you used to. You can’t focus, you lose concentration, you feel tense and on edge. There is very little relaxation and that cycle is difficult to break.

By posting I’m holding myself accountable to keep taking positive action. It’s taken a lot of courage to share and be vulnerable in a difficult time but I feel if I am to beat this I should record it and hopefully help others along the way.

I’ve heard people in the past say you shouldn’t post for likes and comments as a way to get validation or recognition and I’m not posting for that, as I said it’s a way for me to record and measure my own recovery.

But I want to say how grateful I amto everyone who likes and comments or sends a message of support as it’s really appreciated and helps me to keep going. Feeling like you have people in your corner rooting for you makes a huge difference

And beats feeling alone.