I woke up struggling today and it's one of those days I still find really hard to cope with at times but am getting better at.

When I first got anxiety and I would wake up feeling like crap it would send me into a really negative spiral, I was so scared of the sensations in my body and how I felt that I would get worse throughout the day and have panic attack after panic attack. It was a never ending cycle I couldnt seem to break. The sensasations were so intense and foreign to me it was hard to understand that it was my body and nervous system actually trying to protect me from what it thought was danger.

I think it was made worse by the fact I knew how I'd always felt when I felt good, I was very rarely sick and if I was I'd recover very quickly. I didn't mope around feeling sorry for myself, my body healed and I would get on with life again. I knew what sick felt like and I trusted my body to heal.

With Anxiety and Panic the sensations in my body were so foreign to me and were so uncomfortable and things I'd never felt before it compounded how bad they felt which would scare me even more. The sensations in the body would always change, I would wake up feeling like I'd been pumped with liquid ice and have a very horrible buzzy feeling throughout my body, my body would feel like its shaking and tremoring which would lead to thoughts of parkisnons disease or something else, because I was so scared I would become so tense, my neck and shoulders would ache with intense pain, that tension would lead to the worst headaches and pain behind my eyes, creating a loop of negatibe thoughts and sensations. I couldnt relax or rest, I was constantly at war wit my mind and body.

In addition to that, if I tried to go outside I would get blurry vision and struggle to see, I would feel dizzy and lightheaded and sometimes feel disorientated and like I was outside of my own body. This led to more fear and panic not understanding what was going on.

When it came to meal times I couldn't eat with other people. I was too on edge and would feel nauseous. I would hyperventialte and struggle to breathe. I could feel my chest tighten and that would lead to thoughts of a heart attack.

Sometimes when tryng to talk to people it felt like I would struggle to formulate my words and recall things from my memory. I thought I was losing my mind. this went on for months and months and I couldn't break the cycle.

Everytime I tried to do something like meditate and breathing exercises or try and workout it would trigger a panic attack.There was no respite.

I would also struggle to articulate what was happening to me to other people. I came from a school of man up and get on with it. We didn't mope around feeling sorry for ourselves, we pushed on. But I couldnt do that, I was too sick, my body felt incapaciateted but on the outside I looked fine, there was nothing physically wrong with me so trying to explain that I couldn't walk or see properly was hard. I could walk and I could see but the sensations in my body were stopping me. Unless youve experieinced it, its hard to imagine.

After a while I stared to recognise all the sensations and the feelings in my body and I could feel them coming on before they would happen. At first I was fearful of them and I would brace myself for their impact that would make them worse and even stronger because I was trying to avoid them, signalling more danger to my body. As I got to recognise them and the cycle of them I would start talking to them, making friends with them. I would say to myself "here comes my mate dizziness" and there he was front and centre, "here comes the stomach flips, were off on a roller coaster". When I was able to start going out for walks again i would often go with my sister as I was still too scared to go out on my own, I would tell her my anxiety was coming for a walk with us and I'd tell her all the sensations I was feeling. I think it was through making friends with them and verbalising them I was able to start conditioning myself that they were no longer dangerous and therefore didn't need to run from them. I could start allowing them within my body and let them do their thing. I started to laugh at the predictability of it all, even though there was still some fear there.

They were still there everyday but I was losing the fear of them. Not always but enough to allow me to start pushing myself again to start doing things I had given up hope of doing again. Each time I would step ut of the comfort zone I'd created for myself the sensations would come up again, often leading to an anxiety or panic attack (I try and refer to this as nervous arousal now to take away the power). And I would have to it through the sensations as long as I could and when I felt like I couldnt stay any longer I'd try to push another 30 secs, to try and show my mind and body I was in control and there was nothing to fear. Sometimes I'd be able to stay and bring the sensations down to a level that were bearable ther times I would still need to leave but instead of beting myself up like I had at the start, I started to celebrate that I'd done it in spite of the fear.

So this morning when I woke up and felt the horrible sensations of feeling dizzy and liquid ice running through my body, I didnt hide and runway from them fearing the worst. I pushed on with what I wanted to do. I worked out on the punchbag for half an hour (sometimes this releases the nervous arousal, sometimes it can make me feel worse) today this actually made me feel worse, but I knew that could be the case, so I tried not to get too upset about it and cracked on. I knew I'd probably feel funny for most of the day and true to form I started getting the sensations of a panic attack when the neighbur came round to talk. I felt myself wanting him to leave and stop speaking to me. I made the excuse to leave and went inside.But I thought to myself thats me running away from my fear, so I made myself go outside and speak with him again. I felt uncomfortable still but in doing so I started reconditioning myslef that I was safe and in charge again. Since then my body has started to fell calmer for the day.

Fearing the sensations only makes them worse and when you wake up like that its easy to spiral out of control and into more panic and anxiety. By facing it head on and allowing it is key to recovery. I now think to myelf the sensations are going to be there anyway I may as well get on with living with them present than hiding away scared its definetely not easy (in fact it can still be petrifying!) but its worth it!

Remember the only way out is through!